hey chane

when I was little my mom and I would go trick or treating with my mom's best friend, Lisa and her two boys, Davey and Joey - my brothers to those I've talked to about them because not only did we always trick or treat together, but I grew up with them. we were raised by Lisa's aunt and uncle... my Aunt Bea, and Uncle. every Halloween in addition to the trick or treating the five of us would make a visit to the house we grew up in and show off our costumes to our aunt and uncle...
a simple tradition that like us soon grew old... I don't remember why I missed that first halloween that broke the tradition... the three of us kids were probably too old to dress up anymore, or maybe just too busy with our own party plans to bother...

my aunt was diagnosed with alzheimer's a year or so ago... she still remembers me, but our conversations usually revolve around the same five questions asked over and over again during my brief visits with them... how are my parents? have they retired yet? am I married yet? what am I doing?...
my uncle was diagnosed with cancer a little over a month ago... the cancer was in its final stages because he never said anything... he wanted to remain with his wife so that he could take care of her... about two weeks ago he passed away... Lisa, not going back on her promise to him is taking care of Aunt Bea and not putting her into a home...

these thoughts and memories along with others occupied my mind yesterday as halloween, now Samhain, came and went...

the celtic new years... a time when the veil between the spirit and physical world is the thinnest, when we let go of the past year and welcome in the new and souls pass over to the afterlife and others are reincarnated.
halloween... a time of memories... so many memories... of people and times long gone...

I wish I had the motivation to make changes... to embrace the ideas of the new year and honor those passing over and symbollically passing over in my own life toward change... to honor the holiday the way my belief in it dictates... but I can't... as usual I find myself ever stuck in the usual grime of hanging on to my stupid habits while lamenting for something more...

the end of the quarter is swiftly approaching... my graduate career is coming to an end and I'm freaking out a little... getting overwhelmed by thoughts of what I should be doing versus what I am... looking into the past and finding even more things to wish to change rather than actually acting in the present.

have I always lived in the past? yeah, I guess I have... though I've been doing a lot better with taking each day and living for it instead of focusing so much on other things... a lot of things are changing... I guess I'm just getting overwhelmed with the season and everything going on...

I miss the simplicity of being young...