Fa la la la la... la la la... oh forget it.

I would offer an apology for letting this go for so long, but in a way it would be like apologizing to myself... and that's pointless.

I don't like the holidays. I've been on a somewhat anti-social kick for the past few weeks because I just don't really feel like... existing, outside of my own little world. Everyone is full of news of going over this family member's house or this party or that one and I miss it. I miss having a large family to do things with... I'm being selfish I know, I should rejoice in my friends' good fortunes, be grateful for what I have and enjoy the holiday season for the best it can be and aside from the last part I do... I am...

Thanksgiving used to kick of a time of huge gatherings at my grandparent's house. My dad's family would all get together over their house to share this huge feast my grandparents had spent the past week preparing... there would be so many people gathered that you couldn't get away from anyone in their small apartment and all spare tables and chairs would be utilized to accomodate the mass of family and whoever else came to share this year (always room for one more)... My grandparent's lived in a two family home and downstairs my grandfather's brother's family would be gathering for their own festivities... people would be going up and down the stairs constantly, sharing food, stories, laughing and talking... Wherever you were in the house you could hear the merriment from either group... The meal would start out with a soup my grandmother made from scratch, followed by one of her famous pasta dishes and rounded off by the "actual meal" which consisted of at least two meats and a dozen or so sides including their broccoli rabe and two styles of mashed potatoes, one with hot peppers and one regular, whipped of course. All this was followed by dessert several hours later that was no less impressive than dinner. (all definite proof that italians show their love through food) Christmas and New Years were no different... and even when Christmas was held at our house my grandparents never failed to provide several signature dishes...
But my family dwindled, relatives grew apart and many passed away and I rarely see my dad's side of the family anymore... My mom's sister and her husband joined us at our house for Christmas and my remaining grandparents and NY aunt and uncle made up our Christmas gathering, a nice close knit group, smaller, but enough to fill the table... Then, my grandparents passed away, my mom's side couldn't make the trip and so the remaining five of us did what we could and still shared some good times. This year it will just be the three of us, my parents and I... and while I realize and treasure the fact that I am soo extremely blessed to have them to share Christmas with, I miss the big family and the noise... I'd give up a lifetime of presents just to have that back again, even if only for one Christmas because the holidays just don't feel like the holidays anymore...

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
-Faith Hill

As a slight side note, I've decided to include on my "future spouse application" in addition to the requirement of having a large family or at least one sibling or parent the person is still close to, my future spouse must be willing to share every Christmas Eve into Christmas Day with my parents, either by us staying with them or them staying with us... one, because I couldn't bare the thought of missing out on one Christmas morning with them when I know that you only get a limited amount and two because I can't bare the thought of making their three go down to only two.