taking the advice of the palm reader

I received a repayment schedule from one of my loan providers that had repayment dates going all the way into 2033... and I panicked. I went to bed hating money, hating it for its control over the quality of people's lives and thinking about how trapped I felt, but also considering the lives of the hundreds of homeless people I see on the streets everyday. I tossed and turned for a while and finally fell asleep...

In a dream I went to a pagan festival with a friend...
We were at one of the booths (though it was set up like a booth it was more like a pagan version of the Catholic candle altars, only the practice was different...) When we had finished with our rituals we turned and stood for a bit watching people as they passed by, taking in the energy of our surroundings...
People began coming up and introducing themselves to us. Most said their hellos, took our names, offered theirs and went on their way. One man however stopped, took my friend's hand, then mine and proceeded to read my palm. He said to me, "girl, you need to learn to let love into your life. May I? (as he turned my palm over to read further) Yes, see this? Your love line is so short... Do you believe in this? That what is on your palm means something? Do you know that it can be changed? (yes, I responded) you need to learn to let love into your life or you're going to suffer... disease and disorder await you if you don't."

This morning a man approached my mom and I in a parking lot asking for money. He said he had run out of gas after riding behind an ambulance bearing his wife or mother to the hospital. His story went on for a bit while he tried to convince us, my mom mostly, into giving him money. To my slight, though not strong, surprise my mom did and I did and she told him that if he waited a couple of minutes outside while we went into the store she would bring out a few more dollars. He did, and she did. Then he left, and we left. I looked to see if he did in fact stop at the gas station across the street (his story sounded too familiar) but I never saw if he went there or not...

I didn't sleep on the train this morning. I listened to NPR's Selected Shorts and the narrator told me a story about a strange little girl with a mysterious aura about her that affected the lives of those in her family and her town...

And I feel at peace again... My dream's message has made me realize more that while I put out a lot of caring, I never accept any in return. I shut off the world as much as possible and don't allow others to touch my life as much as I should, or at least not in the ways I should. I'm not ungrateful, just... unaccepting of the thought that I am worthy to receive anything from those around me...

But that's all that matters in the end... The end times that so many have heard me speak of lately have changed and depend greatly on the loving energy that is cast out into the world and into the lives of others. In the end, it doesn't matter if my student loans are paid off by the time I'm thirty or eighty. My quality of life doesn't depend on money or being secure, it depends on my state of mind... my acceptance of myself and my willingness to love myself and allow others to love me. I've always known that people are what matters most. I'm beginning now to slowly realize that I am people too and to fully make a difference in others lives I need to first make a difference in my own.

I'm changing...