forty dollars

When choosing a movie to watch from my collection of already seen library my first method of deciding comes from figuring out whether or not I feel like experiencing the trials of the characters in the movie. Do I really feel like watching her screw up and then win him back? Do I want to see the dog get lost again only to end up home in the end? Do I really want to take this guys’ rite of passage down a river and into new life? Of course, I take into account too the reward of the conflict resolution in the end as well. Sure, I’d have to go through the typical couple trials in this romantic comedy, but the ending is soo good! Actually, I’d rather not sit through watching the main character make a ton of stupid mistakes for the benefit of a good laugh for the audience, just to have it all work out in a typical way in the end….

S and I probably have close to 200 movies between us to choose from, yet we always have a difficult time trying to decide on one to watch. “What movie do you want to watch tonight?” “I don’t know, something light and funny.” The trouble is, we’re both the type of people who only buy movies when they really means something to us and most of the time, that means we buy dramas and movies that make us think. Our collection of light and funny consists mainly of romantic comedies with a few simple regular comedies, which is fine, but doesn’t provide much to choose from in the end.

Tonight, we failed. Actually I failed more than her, or if I really want to remove all blame, our collection failed. The main purpose of movies these days in our lives is distraction (hence, the light and funny), tonight, there seems to be no distraction…

I hate being honest. It is so much easier to will away my emotions and pretend like everything is okay than to own them and admit that it isn’t. I hate the hurt that comes with honesty, not the hurt that I feel, but the necessary hurt that some truths bring others. I hate being the one to be honest because then I can’t fix it.

It isn’t my job to fix it…

But I want to fix it. I want to say, “no, it’s ok… yeah, you screwed up, but don’t worry about it”… Another mess swept under the rug… only sometimes, even in sweeping the mess would leave a residue that can’t be hidden under a rug, so it’s better to just get down and clean it up and be done with it.

The old me would have just bought a bigger rug…

At least with a larger rug I wouldn’t be going to bed upset… I hate going to bed upset. Don’t believe the lies. Nothing looks better in the morning. With the first light of morning comes the first light on the reminder of why you’re waking up with puffy eyes. Sleep is a marvelous escape, but like any escape sooner or later you come back to what you were escaping from…

Although, each new dawn does bring you further away from whatever it was you were running from. With distance brings clarity and sooner or later you are out of the smog and back in fresh air.

This too shall pass and it is time for bed…